Cold Water Cleaning
John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural
area of Georgia.

After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's
grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John
noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather
asking, "Are these plates clean?"

His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get them.
Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!"

For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned
about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge
that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are
clean?"

Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those
dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't
want to hear another word about it!"

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was
leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass.
John yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car".

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching
on TV the old man shouted ...

"COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN
The CEO
The CEO of a Vacuum Cleaner company was impatient with the poor job his salespeople were doing, so one
day he decided to do the job himself.

"After all!" he thought. "I AM the CEO!"

He pulled up to a very old house in his Mercedes Benz and knocked on the door. A little old barefoot man
wearing overalls answered the knock on the door, only to be confronted by the very well dressed and
dignified CEO in a $2,000 navy blue pin-striped business suit, a Hermes silk tie, a starched white shirt with
monogrammed cuff links, $700 shoes polished like black mirrors, and carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the impeccably groomed CEO. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would
like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Get lost, Mister fancy suit!" said the old man. "I haven't got any money" and he proceeded to close the
door.

Quick as a flash, the CEO wedged his perfectly polished shoe in the door and pushed it wide open.

"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."

The old man again told him to get lost. And with that, the CEO emptied a bucket of mud all over his hallway
carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this mess from your carpet, sir, I will personally eat
the remainder. I am the CEO! You have my GUARANTEE!"

"I got a better idea" said the old man, "If you don't clean it all up, I'll swap those fancy clothes of yours fer
my overalls. Your nice suit, your tie, your shoes, everything!"

"Fine, sir!" said the CEO confidently, with a condescending smile. "I'll give you my clothes!"

"Lemme ask you something', pal...Where are you going' when you leave here?"

The CEO answered very confidently: "To a VERY important conference! WHY?"

"Will they let you in if yer barefoot?" said the old man.

"Of course not!" said the CEO.

"How much did you pay for those socks you've got on?" asked the old man.

"Thirty dollars" said the bewildered CEO. "Why?"

"I ain't never worn thirty dollar socks before!" said the old man. "It will be kinda hard for you to wear
overalls to work, I guess!" said the old man.

"WHAT?!" said the confused CEO.

"And will you show how me to tie a necktie?" said the old man...

One hour later, the door of the apartment opened, and the CEO carefully looked out. Seeing that no one
was around, his foot appeared.

A bare foot.

He stepped out into the hallway - dressed now only in overalls and bare feet. His expensive executive suit
and tie had vanished, along with his confidence and dignity.

The old man watched him run away to his car with a grin, admiring the expensive pinstriped suit and silk tie
he had just acquired. He then sat down and pulled on the CEO's thirty dollar socks and gleaming shoes.

"Now I gotta see about payin' that electric bill..."
A Stanford Medical research group
advertised for participants in a
study of obsessive-compulsive
disorder. They were looking for
therapy clients who had been
diagnosed with this disorder. The
response was gratifying; they got
300 responses the day after the ad
came out. All from the same
person.
Last summer, my husband, took me camping
for the first time. At every opportunity, he
passed along outdoor-survival lore. One
day we got lost hiking in the deep woods.
He tried the usual tactics to determine
direction -- moss on the trees (there was
none), direction of the sun (it was an
overcast day), etc., etc.

Just as I was beginning to panic, he spotted
a small cabin off in the distance. He pulled
out his binoculars, studied the cabin,
turned and led us right back to our camp.
"That was terrific," I said. "How did you do
it?" "Simple," he replied. "In this part of the
country all the TV satel
lite dishes p
While making rounds, a doctor
points out an X-ray to a group of
medical students.

"As you can see," she says, "the
patient limps because his left
fibula and tibia are radically
arched. Michael, what would you
do in a case like this?"

"Well," ponders the student, "I
suppose I'd limp too."
A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain
road. A woman is driving down the same road.
As they pass each other, the woman leans out
of the window and yells "PIG!!"

The man immediately leans out of his window
and replies, "WITCH!!"

They each continue on their way, and as the
man rounds the next corner, he crashes into
a pig in the middle of the road.

If men would only listen.
Help In The Lab

A lab supervisor was on duty in the
university's computer lab on a quiet
afternoon. He noticed a young woman
sitting in front of one of the
workstations with her arms crossed
across her chest and staring at the
screen.

After about ten minutes he noticed that
she was still in the same
position only now she was impatiently
tapping her foot.

He went up to her and asked if she
needed help; she turned to him and
replied, "well, it's about time! I pushed
the HELP button over fifteen
Doctors and veterinarians aren't born knowing all
those fifty-dollar-words they use; there are whole
books devoted to medical terminology. Most of it is
dry, staid lists of words and definitions, but every
now and then, a bit of the authors' personality shows
through.

In "Bailliere's Comprehensive Veterinary Dictionary"
by D.C. Blood and Virginia Studdert, the following
entry appears on page 133, right between Brunner's
Glands and Brush Border:

"Brunus Edwardii: the urban, companion animal
bear, much admired for its low food requirements
and excellent house training, a high emotional
output and complete freedom from disease. Called
also Ursus Theodorus (USA) and Pooh, Paddington
or Brideshead Bear (UK)."

(I could add that they may be free from disease, but
they do seem to be susceptible to lacerations
requiring surgical repair...)
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the
tiny town wakes up early and goes to the local church.
Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their
pews and talk about their lives, their families, etc.

Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts
screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling
each other in their determined efforts to get away from
Evil Incarnate.

Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for
one man, who sits calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious
to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence.
This confuses Satan a bit.

Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you
know who I am?"

The man says, "Yep, sure do."

Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?"

The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."

Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of
me?"

The man says, "Well, I've been married to your sister for
35 years."
Doctors and veterinarians aren't born
knowing all those fifty-dollar-words they
use; there are whole books devoted to
medical terminology. Most of it is dry,
staid lists of words and definitions, but
every now and then, a bit of the
authors' personality shows through.

In "Bailliere's Comprehensive
Veterinary Dictionary" by D.C. Blood and
Virginia Studdert, the following entry
appears on page 133, right between
Brunner's Glands and Brush Border:

"Brunus Edwardii: the urban,
companion animal bear, much admired
for its low food requirements and
excellent house training, a high
emotional output and complete freedom
from disease. Called also Ursus
Theodorus (USA) and Pooh, Paddington
or Brideshead Bear (UK)."

(I could add that they may be free from
disease, but they do seem to be
susceptible to lacerations requiring
surgical repair...)
One Sunday morning when my son was about 5, we
were attending church in our community. It was
common for the preacher to invite the children to the
front of the church and have a small lesson before
beginning the sermon. He would bring in an item they
could find around the house and relate it to a teaching
from the Bible.

This particular morning, the visual aid for his lesson
was a smoke detector. He asked the children if anyone
knew what it meant when an alarm sounded from the
smoke detector.

My child immediately raised his hand and said, "It
means Daddy's cooking dinner."
A little boy wanted 100 dollars badly and
prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.
Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord
requesting the money. When the postal
authorities received the letter addressed to
the Lord, they decided to send it to the
President

The President was so impressed, touched,
and amused that he instructed his secretary
to send the little boy a 10 dollar bill. The
President thought this would appear to be a
lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the money
and sat down to write a thank-you note to
the Lord, which read:

Dear Lord, Thank you very much for sending
me the money. However, I noticed that for
some reason you had to send it through
Washington, and as usual, those jerks
deducted 90%. Love, Tommy
Rather than fighting each other in these tough times---we should
find ways to laugh, smile and have great humor..  Here are a few
jokes I found on the Internet.  Please send me some new clean
jokes I can post on my website.

PLEASE DO NOT SEND ME ANY JOKES THAT ARE NOT FOR THE ENTIRE
FAMILY OR FRIENDS TO SHARE!!!!!
LET'S MAKE THE WORLD LAUGH